and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
