Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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