the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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