I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
