Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
