I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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