If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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