he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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