I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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