I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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