I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
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He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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