We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
