I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
