I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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