my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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