At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I want to fling myself into the sun
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
