He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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