I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
