It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
