So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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