hotel room ftw
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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