why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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