I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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