i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
