News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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