i just had sex bonerless
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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