Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
