wanna go halves on a baby?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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