There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
