I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.