you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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