well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
