She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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