I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
