can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
