when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
