Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
