Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
