So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
