I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
