I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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