Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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