My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
