Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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