i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
