hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
