Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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