DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
