I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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