i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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