i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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