Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
