it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
