so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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