Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
