don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
