She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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