It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
