I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
